They Came Back. But Does That Mean They've Changed? (Signs of Hoovering)

They came back.

Maybe it was a text at 11:42 on a random Tuesday: "I've been thinking about you." Maybe it was a "just checking on you" message, a like on an old photo, or a sudden apology after months of silence. And just like that, your heart is racing and your mind is doing what it does best: Maybe they've changed.

Let's slow that down together.

I work with a lot of people who feel stuck right here, between hope and doubt. If that's you, you're not foolish for wanting to believe it. You're human. But a return isn't the same as a change, and one of the most common reasons people get pulled back into unhealthy relationships is something called hoovering.

What is hoovering?

Hoovering, named after the vacuum brand, describes when someone who has pulled away, or been pushed away, suddenly tries to suck you back in. It isn't a formal clinical diagnosis. It's a pattern many people recognize after painful or controlling relationships, and it can show up in ways that look loving on the surface.

5 signs it might be hoovering, not real change

1. The timing is suspicious. They reappear right when you start healing, set a boundary, or move on.

2. There's lots of emotion, but no accountability. You hear "I miss you" but not "here's what I did and how I hurt you."

3. The apology is vague. "I'm sorry if you felt that way" is not ownership.

4. The pressure is high. They want an answer, a call, or a meeting right now.

5. It's inconsistent. Sweet words one week, silence or blame the next.

   
   

Real change is quiet and consistent. It shows up in behavior over time, not in one dramatic message.

Before you respond, pause

Here's what I tell my clients: you don't owe anyone an instant reply. Give yourself space to ask,

What am I feeling? What has actually changed? What do I need to feel safe? 

Writing your answers down can help you see the pattern more clearly than your emotions will in the moment.

That's exactly why I created The Hoovering Decoder, a guided workbook that walks you through 10 common hoovering patterns, an accountability test, a consistency check, boundary prompts, and a "before you respond" worksheet.

It's there if you want a clear, structured way to sort through the noise. And if not, that's okay too. Take what's useful from this post and leave the rest.

If you'd rather hear me talk it through, I break this down in my video, They Came Back. But Does That Mean They've Changed? on YouTube.

A note on safety

If a relationship ever involves threats, stalking, or fear for your safety, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or call 911 in an emergency.

You don't have to figure this out alone

Untangling mixed feelings about someone who hurt you is hard work. If you'd like support, I offer sessions through my virtual counseling practice. You can also explore my individual therapy services and see how we can work together.

If you found this helpful, please share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Much love,

Jenny Gaston, MS, LPC, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

(267) 291-4558

This post is for educational purposes and isn't a substitute for professional mental health care.